


past tense

by kaizukainaho



Series: The sun shines a little brighter everyday just so the shadows would stay [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, i'm sorry in advance, well kind of not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-20 02:11:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2411150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaizukainaho/pseuds/kaizukainaho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I dream of you often. Sometimes, you were just holding a volleyball on the court, and other times you were just asleep on the hospital bed. In both dreams, you were alone yet you were smiling, and I would always wake up crying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	past tense

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! this is my companion fic to my earlier work, _present tense_ , which can be read over [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2164104). also it's a little better if you read it first before this one but,  
> AAAAND if you haven't read the entirety of the tokyo training camp arc, maybe it's best. if you don't. read this first. because tiny but important spoilers
> 
> just wanted to try out writing in kageyama's POV and accidentally wrote my feelings away again! cheers to my big sis [lai](http://chisehayuzuriha.tumblr.com) for beta-ing for me. stay cool, iwafucktard69

  
  
  
  
It was almost six in the morning.  
  
Kageyama's eyes were closed.  
  
This was something he should do to keep him alive. Even just for a little while. _Rest_ , the doctors say. But resting felt more like a chore. It sickened him, just being here, cooped up in a small room, unable to move freely like the crow he was supposed to be. He wanted to jump off somewhere high, spread his raven wings and fly away into the sun, up in the blue sky where he belonged.  
  
But it was no use. He was now bedridden, cursed to stay still in this position and wait for his final judgement.  
  
His breathing increases rapidly, because he was scared.  
  
He could hear the beeping of machines. The whirring of the air conditioning unit. The fluttering of the curtains. His own slow heartbeat syncing with someone else's.  
  
His body was asleep, but his mind was always awake. He would hear death's childlike laughter in the darkness, and he would try to flee, but his body was frigid, deeply rooted on his hospital bed, his coffin. His eyes were always wandering around in the darkness, hoping that he wouldn't see his end yet.  
  
He heard death was beautiful, but he was too scared to find out for himself.  
  
  
  
Kageyama felt something stroke his hand. It felt like a thumb, nevertheless, he didn't move.  
  
His eyes moved slowly underneath his lids, wondering if he should open them.  
  
Then came the kiss.  
  
It was sudden, it was unexpected, and it felt amazing. The lips were small and warm, dry yet soft, and he flinched at the contact. Kageyama opened his eyes a little―everything was a little too bright down here―and he closes them again, before finally opening them.  
  
He could see Hinata. Hinata, his only sun. He was all he needed to see.  
  
Hinata was looking at him with great affection, and he smiles a little, and Kageyama missed a heart beat; his dimples surfaced at the perfect curve of his mouth, and his eyes were so brown against his skin, and his hair glowed, and Kageyama thought he looked like an angel. When he whispers, "Good morning, Kageyama," his breath was taken away.  
  
Then came the pain.  
  
He closes his eyes shut, lets out a small groan and clutches at his chest.  
  
 _This is nothing_ , Kageyama tells himself as he struggled to regain his composure. He lifts up a finger weakly, and he touches Hinata's cheek, and it was smooth and warm to the touch. "Good morning, Hinata," he says, smiling a little.  
  
Hinata's smile was face splitting. _Yes, that's it_ , Kageyama thought as his fingers continued to touch his boyfriend's skin.  
  
 _Keep on smiling._  
  
  
  
"Did you have a good night's sleep?"  
  
Hinata hovers over him to brush away his damp bangs. Kageyama wonders why he was sweating a lot, and why he was so tired already.  
  
"I did," he answers quietly, his breathing distorted.  
  
"That's good to hear," Hinata kissed his damp cheek, and Kageyama's insides nearly doubled over at his warmth and his goodness. He closed his eyes as he prayed for Hinata to keep on kissing him, caring for him, loving him.  
  
Deep inside, his chest hurt, but he did not dare make a single noise. _No, not now._  
  
 _Hinata..._  
  
He pulls the smaller one closer to his body, and he does not mind the weight. He just needed him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Kageyama Tobio, the king of the upper court.  
  
The genius setter of Kitagawa Daichi's volleyball club.  
  
Indomintable, incomparable.  
  
The only one of of his kind.  
  
  
  
He grows better and more superior with every toss, but how his blood was quick to boil never changed. In the middle of the match, he yells at Kunimi Akira for being half-assed, _again_ , and stomps off to get a better view of his opponents.  
  
 _He seems grumpier than usual._

_Who cares?_  
  
 _The egotistic king's at it again._  
  
 _He seriously needs to calm down. We already have an eleven point difference._  
  
 _He's a dictator, remember?_  
  
With one wave of his arm, his velvet cape, donned with golden embellishments and white fur, sways with the motion.  
  
With one arrogant tilt of his head, his dark hair bounces, and his beautiful crown gleams underneath the spotlight.  
  
He doesn't hear them.  
  
  
  
In fact, he does.  
  
He tells the team to go ahead, but it's not like they cared or whatever.  
  
Alone in the locker room, he sobs on his knees like a child, wondering what went wrong along the way.  
  
He graduates.  
  
Nevertheless, the nickname, the cape and the crown, stuck.

 

 

 

 

 

First year.  
  
He met Hinata Shouyo.  
  
He was a fucking disaster, a sun storm of cheery smiles, clumsiness and naive imprudence and determination. He was cumbersome at first, which was why Kageyama hated tossing to him, especially when he knew that he couldn't secure victory. But in truth, he was amazed at how quick he was to catch everyone's attention with his ridiculous orange hair, his wide, piercing eyes and his overwhelming presence whenever he was on the court.  
  
Kageyama wondered when Hinata would realize that he was nothing, absolute nothing, without _him_ , on the court. And a spark would ignite inside of him whenever Hinata looked up at him with blazing brown eyes, desperate to prove him wrong.  
  
"I will stand on the court the longest," he swears.  
  
Kageyama's eye twitches at his naivety. He knew because he never made mistakes.  
  
Or so he thinks.  
  
  
  
Kageyama makes a mistake.  
  
He commits it on a late Friday afternoon when the sakuras were in full bloom. He commits it the moment he says, "I'm in love with you."  
  
Hinata stops in his tracks, the wheels of his bicycle screeching against the cement. He looked at him in horror.  
  
"You're in love with me?" Hinata whispers, scared, shocked, and somehow a little relieved, and Kageyama breathes through his mouth, because his heart ached a little.  
  
"I am."  
  
The redhead looks into his eyes a little longer, before shaking his head stubbornly and turns away. "This has to be a joke."  
  
"You don't believe me?"  
  
"I don't," Hinata answers with a little hesitation, gripping on the handlebars of his bike tightly. "I'm no one to you off court. I'm just... _there_ to hit your tosses. I'm not a pretty girl, either. I'm not special..."  
  
"I'm not fucking around, dumbass," the raven haired boy snaps back, a bit angry. "Leave volleyball out of this matter. I would never joke about something like this. I don't know why, either. I get this weird, annoying feeling in my chest and my guts whenever I see you happy and somehow I find myself striving to please you. At first―I thought it was because you needed me. But it wasn't, it was kind of the opposite. I guess I just don't do well without you."  
  
Hinata was silent, so Kageyama presses on, "but, hey, I'm not asking for an answer. I just wanted you to know. Whatever."  
  
"So... you're serious?"  
  
Kageyama sucks in a breath and releases. "Yeah."  
  
"Then... say it again," Hinata whispers.  
  
"Ah?" the raven haired boy groans, irritated at how quiet his voice was.  
  
 _"Say it again!"_ Hinata yells, tears streaming down his flushed cheeks. "Say you love me again!"  
  
"I―" Kageyama was at a loss for words, and he sighed briefly, looking up at the sky, before closing the distance between them. "I'm in love with you," he said, standing right behind him. The sakura petals fluttered all around as he watched Hinata's shoulders shake. Kageyama felt something painful he couldn't explain as he touched the redhead's shoulders firmly, concluding, "I'm _really_ in love with you, Hinata."  
  
The wind blew petals off the branches and off the ground, the same gentle wind that carried Hinata's silent _thank yous_. The sky was dyed red, yellow, violet and pink, and it was beautiful.  
  
  
  
Kageyama makes another mistake.  
  
He commits it when he asks Hinata out on a date.  
  
It was crazy, how they started out arguing about miscommunications and misunderstandings, and how they ended up having the best day of their lives. Their fingers were laced tightly together without either of them realizing, and Kageyama's cheeks hurt from all the laughing and smiling he went through. Hinata saw and instantly loved the rare side Kageyama has shown, even though he would be the first and last person to see him like that.  
  
Such was the magic of Tokyo Disneyland.  
  
They agreed to go home as the rain poured.  
  
Kageyama carried Hinata on his back "because his legs hurt", but he knew Hinata just liked to be pampered. Either way, it was fine for the setter.  
  
"Kageyama, am I heavy?"  
  
"Not really." Hinata was light like a crow's feather. "Oi, your back's getting wet," Kageyama says.  
  
"It's okay, as long as our heads are dry," Hinata chirps, holding the pink umbrella Natsu owned. Kageyama liked how prepared he was today.  
  
"Let me get you a jacket," Kageyama says.  
  
"Are you kidding me?" The redhead punches the setter's arm gently. "No way."  
  
Kageyama makes a displeased noise inside his throat. He stops in front of a boutique and notices their reflection.  
  
They both thought they looked really good together.  
  
Hinata felt Kageyama stare at him through their reflection. He blushed a little and buried his face in Kageyama's shirt. "L-Let's get going, it's getting cold," he mumbled.  
  
"Hold on," Kageyama slips off the redhead and tells him to wait for him outside and disappears inside the boutique. Hinata waited under the umbrella, looking around for anything colorful in this dull weather.  
  
"Here."  
  
Hinata suddenly felt warm, being wrapped in a heavy green jacket. He looks down at the fabric then back up at Kageyama, a spark in his eyes and a blush on his cheek. "W-Wha―? B-But I thought I said―"  
  
" _I_ , for one, don't want you to get sick," Kageyama says flatly, zipping up the redhead's jacket. "Keep that."  
  
Hinata's lips curl into a bashful smile, and pulls the sleeves over his hands. He fiddles with his hair as he shyly whispers, "Thank you."  
  
  
  
Kageyama got home a little later than usual, and slipped off his shoes at the front door, trying to be quiet.  
  
"Tobio, is that you?" The teenager nearly squealed at the voice coming from the kitchen.  
  
"Y-Yeah, mom! It's me," he answers politely, leaving his house keys on the peg on the wall.  
  
"If you're wet, don't forget to dry yourself off," she says. She didn't budge from her spot, didn't move her eyes from the laptop, papers scattered all over the table.  
  
"Okay."  
  
He goes up to his room and flops himself on the bed. At first he felt a pain in his chest, something sad and unusual. Then he thinks of Hinata. Hinata and his red shirt, too big for his size. Hinata and his soft, warm fingers. His bright, beautiful hair, his kind brown eyes and the dimples that surface near his perfect smiles. And the pain was gone.  
  
He fell asleep with a smile on his face.  
  
  
  
Kageyama commits a grave mistake.  
  
It was when he broke Hinata's heart on December 22.  
  
Kageyama was having another one of those "Kitadai-phase moments" (as coined by Tsukishima and backed up by Yamaguchi) and he broke Hinata's heart.

 

> A conversation.  
>   
>  "I'm not good enough!" Kageyama yells.  
>   
>  "Now you're doubting?!"  
>   
>  "I just know it! Someday, I'll make you cry."  
>   
>  "What are you saying?! Do you even know what you're talking about?!"  
>   
>  "I know perfectly well what I'm talking about! You won't last with me! You're just―too―precious to me, Hinata, but I'm moody, I'm a jerk, I'm a bastard, I'm hard to understand, I'm a _king_ , goddamn it! I'll never change! And if I don't let you go now, I'll hurt you someday."  
>   
>  Hinata pressed his lips together and gave Kageyama the most haunting look he could ever give him. "Kageyama, you're hurting me right now."  
>   
>  He was a complete mess for the rest of the week.

  
  
"The fireworks are so pretty, aren't they?" Hinata cooed, wearing a golden yukata.  
  
"They are," Kageyama admitted, wearing his pajamas. "But you're definitely prettier."  
  
Hinata's cheeks glowed under the light of the fireworks, and Kageyama's heart contracted. "See?" He chirps.  
  
"See what."  
  
"These are the moments that matter to me," Hinata hums, smoothing his yukata. "You're really sweet. But all you remember is your past self. I don't care about that. I don't care if we fight. I mean, we argue all the time, don't we?"  
  
Kageyama listens as Hinata continues, "That's why whatever happens, I'll accept it. I'll accept you even if you can't change. That's what attracted me anyway, how you're so cool and collected yet so lonely and broken inside. I may be stupid, but I know you, Kageyama. We play volleyball together, yet somehow, you speak to me as well." He looks up at the firework-colored sky and takes a whiff of the fresh air. "And I want to help you in anyway possible, be there for you. Because I like you."  
  
Kageyama ponders to himself before leaning his head on Hinata's shoulder, whispering, "I'm sorry."  
  
The redhead rubs his cheeks on the raven haired boy's smooth hair, caressing his cold, pale hand with his thumb. "It's okay."  
  
Behind them, the whole city welcomes the new year with a bang.  
  
  
  
When he got home after walking Hinata back to his house, he couldn't breathe properly.  
  
Maybe it's because Hinata wrapped his small arms around his neck and listened to his heartbeat earlier.  
  
  
  
"Mom," Tobio started.  
  
Mother and son were eating at the table. The father would be arriving later in the evening.  
  
She chews on her _tonkatsu_ , keeping an eye out for her cellphone for an important business update. But Tobio didn't feel hungry anymore―he felt ridiculed.  
  
"Mom," Tobio repeats, his voice louder.  
  
Her eyes move from her screen and to her son's eyes. She narrows her eyes as she says, "What is it, Tobio?"  
  
"I―"  
  
 _I'm in love with someone. My heart can't stop beating fast and I can't breathe whenever I see him. His name is Hinata Shouyo, and he's name suits him well; he's literally the sun. He's amazing, he's sweet, funny, sincere, he's bright and he's so beautiful, and I love him a lot. Let me be happy._  
  
"I wish dad would come home soon."  
  
She nods and looks back at her phone. "Me too."  
  
The _tonkatsu_ didn't look delicious to him anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

Second year.  
  
He kissed Hinata.  
  
It felt weird, it felt awkward, it felt wrong, and they both knew it.  
  
"Are you drunk?" was the redhead's first remark after pulling away.  
  
"What the―idiot! No, I'm not!" He hits his head hard, and turns away, flustered. "I just thought that we haven't kissed yet. And shit."  
  
"Even though we've been dating since last year?" Hinata mewls, catching up to the setter. "Awww, Kageyama, for you to be that thoughtful."  
  
Kageyama scowls and walks away. Hinata was prancing behind him, chanting, "It was because of Ukai-san's chocolate, wasn't it?~"  
  
"Shut up or I'll sock you one."  
  
They walk side by side in silence, and after walking no further than fifteen meters, Hinata stops abruptly. "K-Kageyama."  
  
"What do you want this time, dumbass?"  
  
He looks up from his shoes and straight into Kageyama's eyes. "K-Kiss me again!"  
  
The setter looks at him incredulously. "Excuse me?"  
  
Hinata grabs his sweater and stomps impatiently. "Kiss me again. I want you to kiss me again!"  
  
"I know that!" Kageyama grabbed the middle blocker by the arms and peeled him away. "I meant to ask why!"  
  
"B-Because..." Hinata blushes and looks down at the ground, uttering inaudible noises.  
  
"Speak up, dumbass!"  
  
"Because Kageyama is... a really good kisser," Hinata shyly whispers.  
  
Kageyama's voice left him, so he looks down on his shoes as well. If Kageyama thought hard enough, the mood and setting was perfect. The wind was cold, it was just the two of them down the street, and the streetlight had a faint light that illuminated Hinata's features―his cute nose, his big cheeks, his flavorful lips.  
  
It wouldn't hurt to do it again, right?  
  
Kageyama puts a thumb to Hinata's lower lip and whispers, "I'm bad at this, you know."  
  
"I know," the other says, grinning.  
  
He holds Hinata's cheeks and pulls his face to his, and their lips met again.  
  
Kageyama broke away briefly to catch a breath but Hinata held his neck and pulled him back to him again. Their teeth clacked, and their tongues were clumsy, but it felt great. They ran their hands all over each other―their hair, their waists, their skin. Their hearts were thumping. Kageyama couldn't stop.  
  
Hinata was very delightful.  
  
  
  
"Sorry about earlier," Kageyama says over the phone. He locked himself inside his walk-in closet to get away from his parents.  
  
Hinata's voice was muffled on the receiver. "It's okay," he says slowly.  
  
"That's all you ever tell me, you know?"  
  
"Sorry." A muffled gasp, and a sigh.  
  
"What are you doing, Hinata?"  
  
A weird noise. Probably the bedsheets. "N-Nothing."  
  
"Hina―"  
  
"Kageyama," he cuts in, impatient and desperate. "Keep talking."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just keep talking. I want to listen to your voice."  
  
  
  
"Mom, I like someone." Tobio says one morning as his mother slipped on her high heels, ready to leave for work.  
  
She looked at him skeptically, and says, "Oh really? For how long?"  
  
"Since first year."  
  
She looked outside, taking in the sunshine, and realized that her son was being honest. She says flatly, "Tobio, sweetie. We'll talk about this later on, I've gotta get going. But all I need you to understand right now is that you must focus on your studies first."  
  
Tobio looked down on his slippers and felt a pang in his chest when she added, "I don't want you flunking any of your subjects, alright?"  
  
On that same day, his heart ached but he never managed to call out for his mother again.

 

> A conversation.  
>   
>  "Hi, Hinata." Kageyama twirls with the cord of the telephone. "Was that your mom? I'll call some other time then."  
>   
>  "No," the redhead says, "wait. Don't hang up, Kageyama."  
>   
>  "If she's there, then I don't want to come over. I want to be alone with you."  
>   
>  "She's going out with Natsu to my grandma's in an hour. I―come over here now."

 

"Hi," Kageyama sighs. They were both on the bed, with him situated on top of Hinata. He locked the redhead under his legs in a way wherein he'll never let him leave.  
  
"Hi," Hinata whispers shyly, a finger tracing Kageyama's jawline.  
  
"I wanted to see you," the setter mutters.  
  
"I wanted to see you, too," the middle blocker admits, a small smile on his lips.  
  
The resonance of their heartbeats echoed all throughout the room.  
  
They kissed, slowly at first, but Kageyama picked up the pace and started to tug on his lower lip. Hinata moaned quietly, balling his fists in his dark hair, and he tried to say something but his words were drowned in the bliss they shared.  
  
"Kageyama, wait," Hinata whispers in between huffs, and Kageyama blinked. "Are we―are we going to..."  
  
"Are we going to _what_?" Kageyama pants.  
  
"Y-You know!" The redhead's face was beet red, and he looked away from the setter in embarrassment. "Have s-s-sex, that kind of thing..."  
  
Kageyama rested his chin on the other's chest. "We don't have to do it if you don't want to, you dumb brick."  
  
"I think we're not ready yet," Hinata hides his face with his hands. "I get flustered just kissing, I'm sorry..."  
  
"Don't hide your face, you shitty punk," Kageyama holds his wrists and gently pulls them away from each other. "You look cute right now."  
  
Hinata makes displeased noises and Kageyama smirks a little, before kissing him anyway.  
  
He slips long, bony fingers inside the redhead's shirt, and liked the sound he elicited.  
  
  
  
"Kageyama, did you leave a hickey?"  
  
"How do you leave one anyway?"  
  
"If you left a hickey, I'm going to kill you. Seriously."  
  
Kageyama could only laugh. They were both just in their boxers, yet they feel warm under the sheets. The sun was obscured by Hinata's curtain, but Kageyama could tell he looked lovely.  
  
"Ah, you've got freckles here," Kageyama mumbles, tracing the soft skin around the middle blocker's neck.  
  
"They're barely noticable," Hinata replies.  
  
"They're cute."  
  
"Shut up, king." Hinata yelps when Kageyama pinches his side.  
  
The raven haired boy continued to trace lines on his damp skin. "You're really beautiful, Hinata," he said, mesmerized. His heart thumped angrily against his ribcage.  
  
"Kageyama," the middle blocker whispers, because he didn't know what else to say.  
  
"You're so beautiful, I'm serious. I could stare down at your naked body all day and just appreciate what you're made of."  
  
"Hey, stop it," Hinata says, a little flustered.  
  
"I don't get it... Why are you with someone as ugly as I am?"

It was quiet for a long time.  
  
Finally, Hinata answers, "I... don't think you're ugly. In fact, I think you're beautiful too. You're something like... hmm... a puzzle... a riddle that's hard to solve, but now I'm starting to decipher you. You're young, just like I am. You did stupid things before, but you just needed someone. I think you're really human. You have a beautiful soul. I believe that's beauty in itself."  
  
Kageyama doesn't answer.  
  
"Can you hear me, Kageyama?" Hinata turns around and gently shakes the dark haired boy's shoulder. "Kageyama?"  
  
He was already asleep.

 

 

The family were seated in the kitchen table, eating curry for dinner.  
  
Tobio was looking down on his lap, a small burning sensation at the pit of his stomach. His mother was talking to someone on the phone, and his father was typing something on the laptop. If they don't listen to him right now, he would have a hard time coming out later.  
  
If he doesn't tell anyone about Hinata and how much he suffocates him, he would die inside.  
  
"Mom, dad," he says.  
  
The two didn't hear them.  
  
 _"Mom, dad,"_ he repeats, his voice a little louder. The sudden intensity of his voice made the two look at him in surprise.  
  
"What's wrong, Tobio?"  
  
"I'm dating someone."  
  
His mother drops her utensils in disbelief while his father just shook his head. "Tobio, we've talked about this before."  
  
"Is this why your performance in school dropped recently?"  
  
His heart rate increased rapidly.  
  
"I told you to let it go for now until you build up your grades!"  
  
Then came the anger.  
  
"He's not the reason why!" Tobio slams his hands on the table, knocking aside his plate.  
  
White shards splintered on the floor. The crash of porcelain was deafening. His mother looked at him with horror and his father looked at him with rage.  
  
"It's not because of Hinata."  
  
  
  
The next thing he realized, everything was black.

 

 

He was inside the walk-in closet again.  
  
He curled his toes inside his socks, clutching at his swollen cheek. It was painful, it was hot. It stings.

 

> A conversation.  
>   
>  "I didn't raise a child that would end up slacking off from his classes, prioritize after-school activities and do scandalous things over schoolwork and college preparations!" his father roared, looming over the trembling figure sprawled on the floor.  
>   
>  Tobio swore he could hear his mother shouting something as she cried, but he couldn't hear anything anymore.  
>   
>  He only felt the throbbing of his heart, the painful sting on his cheek and the bleeding scar on his arm.

 

Kageyama doesn't understand why he was spontaneously crying. The tears were hot down his cheeks, and his eyes hurt so bad. He clawed at his skin, trying to hold back his sobs. His door was locked, and he pushed his table against it so that no one would ever get in.  
  
He wanted to call Hinata, but the name alone didn't sound so sweet on his tongue anymore. It tasted like salt.  
  
It felt so cold inside the closet, and he wraps his arms around himself, wishing Hinata was here.  
  
He passes out.

 

 

"Does it still hurt?" Hinata asks, pressing a damp towel against his bruised cheek gently.  
  
"Not really."  
  
They sat on the steps of Sakanoshita, Ukai's store, on a warm evening.  
  
"Let's not talk about this too much," Kageyama stresses, sucking on his straw like a child. "Or I'm going to lose my head."  
  
Hinata hums and rests his head on his shoulder. He watches an empty can of soda tumble down the street and says, "You're so strong, Kageyama."  
  
"Don't fuck around, dumbass," the raven haired boy replies bitterly, squeezing the juice box. "I'm not. I couldn't do anything back then. I couldn't even defend you from them."  
  
"But that's not the only strength. Look. Today, you're strong enough to look at me, hold my hand, talk to me face to face. You're hanging out with me right now. I think you're wonderful. I'm not giving up, and I think you shouldn't, either."  
  
Kageyama considers this. Why did Hinata have to be so thoughtful, so sweet, so... sunny?  
  
He felt a small hand snake into his palm, and he squeezes it.  
  
Hinata was the amazing one, and he was lucky.

 

 

He was looking for something in the family living room, amongst baskets with old CDs, when a sudden, sharp pain struck his chest and he collapsed on the floor.  
  
The last thing he remembered were the horrified faces of his mom and their housemaid.  
  
Everything went black. He felt like he was drowning.  
  
  
  
He sat on the clinic bed, and his ears remained static. He couldn't hear what his parents and his doctor were talking about.  
  
He could see his mother screaming, pounding at his doctor's chest. His father held his wife back, and everyone looked grim.  
  
Still, he didn't feel anxious. Kageyama looked at his cellphone and started to compose a message for Hinata.  
  
 _Hey, I'm at the clinic of my doctor right now. Apparently I collapsed earlier, but I guess things will be just fine. I miss you already, Hinata. I love you._  
  
He tries to send it, but it beeps. _Unable to send_. Kageyama flips his phone close, sighing in disappointment.  
  
  
  
He was half asleep on the car ride home.  
  
"We have to tell him," his mother says, distressed.  
  
"We'll tell him tomorrow," his father argues. "He needs to rest first."  
  
"Oh, Tobio..."  
  
He falls asleep.  
  
  
  
The only thing his parents told him the next day was to stop playing volleyball for a while.  
  
It was enough to anger him.  
  
  
  
Four minutes, third set.  
  
It was when he seriously screwed up.  
  
  
  
The pain started in his chest. Then it flared up and spread rapidly through his body like wildfire. He hurled himself forward, on his knees, and coughed a lot.  
  
He tasted blood in between his teeth, and he started to hack. The blood from his mouth dripped on the floor.  
  
Everyone crowded over him, obscuring the light. As if they didn't want him to depart yet.  
  
He cries in between coughs, because this was the first time he felt pain this severe, this agonizing. His heart ached and ached before, but this was close to unbearable. He clutches at the fabric of his jersey, and wanted to kick the pain away, but his legs were numb, and he was so cold and trembling.  
  
He hears someone shout for paramedics, and he shakes his head stubbornly, because they were in the middle of the game, and he would propel the team to victory.  
  
"Kageyama, it's okay. We'll handle it from here," Ennoshita holds his shaking hand, wiping his sweat. "Rest up for now, okay? Come back for us," he adds with a hopeful smile.  
  
Come back.  
  
He nods slowly, biting back the tears. Not long after that, he started to cough violently again.  
  
As he got carried away on the stretcher, he wondered what went wrong along the way.  
  
Was this some sort of punishment? Someone's idea of a cruel joke?  
  
No matter how hard he asked, no matter how deep he thought, he would end up without answers.  
  
Then came the realization.  
  
Hinata.  
  
He wanted to move his head to the side to catch a glimpse of Hinata, anything of him at all―orange hair, brown eyes, a smile―  
  
They were already out of the gym. Takeda marched beside him, talking to the doctor in a way he had never seen before, and Yachi held his cold hand tightly, tearing up. "P-Please hang on, Kageyama-kun..."  
  
He looks at her and thought that they shared the same brown eyes, and despite the pain, smiles for her.

 

 

 

 

 

Third year.  
  
"Tobio, listen to me carefully."  
  
He nods lifelessly.  
  
"Your heart disease is terminal."  
  
He blinks his blue eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry we didn't know. I'm sorry we didn't ask."  
  
 _I don't care anymore._  
  
"You might die anytime soon, dear. Could you stop playing volleyball for us? For you?"  
  
 _I don't know anymore._  
  
"We don't want you to go away, Tobio."  
  
 _I love volleyball._  
  
  
  
The doctor's orders were final.  
  
No more volleyball.  
  
It sounded like a death sentence to him.  
  
  
  
He never told anyone.  
  
Still, he watched from the sidelines during practice.  
  
Warming the bench, forced to watch everyone have fun from the pity corner.  
  
Sometimes, Tsukishima approached him, patted his back and gave him a sympathetic look, which made Kageyama angrier. The last thing he needed was _Tsukishima Kei's_ remorse, of all people, but he bites back a scream and looks down on his lap. He would waste his last year like this.  
  
Hinata would try to approach him, but Kageyama would whisper, "Wait. Stop, please." And Hinata would be hurt, but nevertheless, he stroked his cheek tenderly, and run back to the court. The court where Kageyama belonged.  
  
They still walked home together, but they would stop at a point near Sakanoshita, where his parents' car would wait.  
  
"We'll give you a ride."  
  
"Kageyama, I don't―"  
  
"Please, Hi―  
  
 _"Kageyama,"_ the redhead stresses, and he would back down. The wind would blow, and they would feel cold, but they couldn't wrap themselves around each other. No. Not anymore.  
  
The redhead smiles a little before cupping his cheek and kissing him on the nose. "I'll call you later, okay?"  
  
Kageyama smiles ruefully. "Okay."  
  
They kiss briefly before they part ways.  
  
  
  
He had another case of collapsing later that evening.  
  
He never managed to pick up Hinata's phone call.  
  
  
  
One dinner, he almost fell down from his chair, and when his mother cried, telling him to go to the hospital already, Kageyama screamed.  
  
To be bound down by needles and cords and machines that looked unfamiliar to him? That's not the path he wanted.

 

 

"You're slipping away from me," Hinata whispers, clinging on to the fabric of his shirt.  
  
"If I slip away, will you reach out and pull me back?" Kageyama asks, running his hand around Hinata's warm back.  
  
"I'll reach and reach until I can hold you again," the redhead answers, holding his cold cheeks close.  
  
His parents weren't around for tonight. They had to go somewhere, but Kageyama didn't care. All that mattered right now was Hinata. Tonight was the last night he could ever hold him intimately like this. Tonight was probably the last time he could ever feel his lips against his, the warm freckled skin and the soft, fluffy orange hair he loved so much.  
  
They kiss. They were gentle with each other. Hinata touched Kageyama as if he was something fragile, and pulled away when Kageyama started to cough again.  
  
  
  
They were staring at the ceiling, fingers laced.  
  
Hinata turned to face the setter, touching the skin that covered his bruised heart.  
  
"It's just a quick trip to the hospital, right?" He coos, tracing a heart shape over his chest. "Then you'll come back to me."  
  
 _Oh god, Hinata, stop._  
  
"We'll go on dates again," Hinata pries on, clutching Kageyama's body close. "We'll go to the nationals and beat Nekoma. We'll kiss and we'll hug and we'll hold hands. We'll be a cute couple, and we'll make everyone jealous. Right?"  
  
 _Hinata, please._  
  
"Kageyama, you won't leave me, right?"  
  
 _Hinata._  
  
"Kageyama, what's wrong?"  
  
"Hinata," he says, closing his eyes.  
  
"S-Sorry," his voice hushed down. "A-Am I annoying you?"  
  
"I haven't been completely honest with you this year."  
  
Hinata looked scared, and Kageyama's heart ached more.  
  
 _Don't look at me like that._  
  
"I have a heart disease," he says. "They took me to my doctor last week. It's real. It's terminal, Hinata."  
  
His brown eyes stared at him patiently.  
  
"I'm going to die, Hinata. I'm going to die real soon. That's why I visit the doctor more frequently, why I can't play volleyball anymore, why I can't see you that much nowadays. Hinata, I'm dying. Y-You believe me, don't you?"  
  
"I don't," Hinata answers, smiling wide. The corner of his eyes were teary. "I don't believe you at all, Kageyama."  
  
"Believe me," Kageyama gasps, his throat getting clogged with hot oxygen. "I'm not joking. I'm going to leave you."  
  
"You can't do that," Hinata says, and the tears fall. "You can't leave me behind. You promised."  
  
"Hinata," he brings his hand to his lips. "I'm sorry. I know I promised."  
  
"Don't leave me," he whispers, and his voice cracks a little. "Oh god, don't. Stop it."  
  
"I'm so sorry," the setter holds his small hand and kisses it gently.  
  
"I hate you," Hinata cries, and pulls his hand away from his mouth. "Oh, I hate you so much."  
  
 _Wait_. Hinata turned his back away and Kageyama weakly held the end of his shirt on instinct. _Don't leave me._  
  
"Wait―"  
  
He started to cough and clutch at his chest again, and drool and phlegm and sweat trickled on the sheets. The grip on Hinata's shirt loosened, yet he still continued to whisper, "Wait. Wait, wait, _wait._ "  
  
Hinata was still.  
  
"I'm sorry." Kageyama muttered against the sheets, clutching at his throbbing chest. "I'm sorry, Hinata. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I was scared. I've never been this scared before. I thought you would leave me."  
  
"That's the fucking problem with you!" Hinata shouts hoarsely, his shoulders shaking. "After all this time, after the three wonderful years we spent together! You still don't have faith in me! You still don't trust me! You still believe everyone's going to leave you behind someday..." he chokes on a sob and whispers, "damn it, Kageyama..."  
  
"I'm sorry," Kageyama whispers. "I'm so scared..."  
  
Hinata cries out loud, letting the tears stream down his cheeks.  
  
Kageyama cried a little too, letting go of Hinata's shirt. _This is it for both of us,_ he thought, and he understood. Hinata deserved to be happy. That's what he said when he was first year, on the night of his birthday. _If I don't let you go now, I'll hurt you someday._  
  
"You don't deserve this," Hinata whispers, wiping his tears with his fists. "You don't deserve any of this... You're hurting, you're haunted, you aren't loved enough, and now you're going to die... Why are you like this, Kageyama? I don't understand it at all... why _you,_ of all people? And the worst part is that _I_ ―I can't do anything for you," he hics and sobs as he continues, "Kageyama, I don't understand... You've changed, and you're wonderful, you're amazing, and I― _I_ ―"  
  
"Hinata, do you love me?" Kageyama asks, voice muffled by the bedsheets.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Hinata, I love you. Do you love me too?"  
  
The redhead turned to look at his disheveled boyfriend. He looked so pitiful, a canvas of cold, sad and sullen colors. Yet Hinata shone in the moonlight. "Of course I do, stupid," he clasps his cold, bony hands and kisses them. "I love you. I love you a lot, Kageyama."  
  
"Then nothing else matters," Kageyama closes his eyes, taking in the warmth of Hinata's small hands. "That's all I need to hear."  
  
Hinata watched Kageyama fall asleep with a small relieved smile, and when he was sure he was asleep, he whispered, crying hard, "Don't leave me, Kageyama. Don't leave me. Please, please, please don't leave me. I'm begging you."  
  
He doesn't hear him.  
  
  
  
In fact, he does.  
  
He cries while smiling.  
  
The wind carries Hinata's silent prayers into the heavens.  
  
  
  
The family travels to the hospital the following day.

 

 

 

 

 

His room was enough for just one patient.  
  
But somehow, he felt trapped. He felt like the blank, white walls would push themselves towards each other soon. The antiseptics robbed him of oxygen, and he couldn't breathe. Watching liquid trickle from the IV bags to the IV lines and to his hand was unbearable. He was waiting for his end to come, and that alone was terrifying.  
  
He wanted to see Hinata. He wanted to see Karasuno win. Today, they were going to participate in the second day of the spring tournament. It would be nice to be able to watch them play.  
  
 _It would be nice,_ he muses to himself.  
  
He flipped through a book he has yet to finish, by a well-known author by Murakami Haruki. Pinned between the pages was an orange bookmark, and a picture of Hinata.  
  
He was bright like the sun.  
  
He hummed as he memorized Hinata's face. Every wrinkle, every curve, every dimple and freckle in place. Just so he wouldn't forget.  
  
He wouldn't.  
  
When he gets tired of flipping through the pages back and forth, he stops, sets the book aside, and looks up instead.  
  
The ceiling fan doesn't stop spinning to end its tiring cycle. The heart monitor continues to beep. Liquid drips down from the IV packs at a calculated instance. Birds chirp outside, unaware of the gloom that hung above the hospital like a shroud. The sun shines through thin clouds, and the wind sways, and somewhere, it guides a child's colorful kite up in the heavens.  
  
He wonders why he was thinking of such things.  
  
  
  
"Tobio, you have a visitor," his mother says as she enters the room.  
  
"Who is it?" He asks, almost inaudibly.  
  
"His name is Oikawa."  
  
  
  
"Hi, Tobio-chan~" Oikawa Tooru chirps, holding a bouquet of roses. "How is my cute kouhai feeling?"  
  
 _"Grand,"_ his former underclassman replies tastelessly.  
  
"Oh, Tobio-chan, your Oikawa-san didn't come here for a battle of wits," he smiles as he walks towards the table. "Let me just put them here, mm?" he says as he places the roses carefully on the vase. Kageyama watched him, and there was a look in Oikawa's face that he never saw before. It was hard to determine, because he was against the light. Oikawa Tooru shone, even as a college student, and he shone the same glorious light like he did in Kitagawa Daichi and Aobajousai. He wanted to look at him more closely, but his senpai shifts his gaze to him, a small smile on his lips.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Ah. I was―" Kageyama fumbles with his blanket, "―t-thank you for the roses."  
  
"Oh, it was nothing. How long have you been sick?"  
  
"Just weeks ago," Kageyama coughs a little. "But I've been collapsing a lot by the end of second year."  
  
"To think something like this would happen to Tobio-chan..."  
  
"It's okay."  
  
"Is it true that you're terminal?"  
  
Kageyama nods, fumbling with the needle on his hand.  
  
Oikawa reaches out for his hand and strokes the protruding bones, smiling wistfully. "Just the mere thought of you dying is enough to send a shiver down my spine."  
  
Kageyama looks at him in surprise.  
  
"Hm? You've never thought about dying, Tobio-chan?"  
  
"No, not really."  
  
"But of course," the older boy snakes a hand up his neck and pulls the other to his shoulder. "You're still a child." Kageyama gasps as Oikawa continues, "yeah, that's right. You're still a child. You're still so young."

Oikawa dabs at his eyes, now that the younger boy couldn't see his face.  
  
Kageyama flinches a little, "Oikawa-san, are you crying?"  
  
"Shut up, brat," he says in a singsong manner. They stay in this position for a while.  
  
"Tobio," Oikawa whispers quietly.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Oikawa pulls himself away, smiling brightly at Kageyama. "You're really are a nuisance, you know?"  
  
The raven haired boy scowls.  
  
"Too bad, I gotta get going. College schedules, you know," he whistles as he stands up. "Do your old senpai a tiny favor and stick around for him, hm?"  
  
"I'll still be around," Kageyama says quietly, smiling a little. He doesn't understand whatever Oikawa is trying to tell him.  
  
Oikawa looked at him with slight guilt, before sliding his bag on an arm, rubbing at his nose. "Well... goodbye, Tobio."  
  
  
  
Kageyama was surprised when Iwaizumi came inside next.  
  
Outside, unknown to the raven haired boy, Oikawa bawled like a toddler, wrapping his arms around his knees. "I still hate him a lot," he tells the other Seijou members, "but he was a good kouhai. He really was. And I―" his voice cracks, "―I don't want _this._ "  
  
  
  
"―a-anyway, it's not me who has to tell you something. It's these guys," and Iwaizumi looks over to the door, where Kindaichi and Kunimi stood like awkward sticks. "Get your gears moving, damn it."  
  
Kindaichi mutters something under his breath and Kunimi just yawned. Either way, the two walked over to Kageyama's bed.  
  
"Hello," Kageyama says.  
  
"Hi," Kunimi answers immediately, smiling a little. "It's been a while."  
  
"Yeah," Kageyama agrees. He remembers the stingy looks he gave him in Kitagawa Daichi, and how he smiled under Oikawa's guidance in Seijou. He felt a little bad, and he didn't know for whom.  
  
Kunimi sat down, but Kindaichi remained standing. "It's odd seeing you like this," Kunimi says quietly. "Usually you would be pouting, or scowling but―"  
  
"―right now, your gloomy face is making me depressed," Kindaichi continues for the other. "You seriously need to start doing that weird thing with your face and mouth again, or you'll be stuck with that terrible expression forever."  
  
Kageyama raises his brows a little.  
  
"I mean!" Kindaichi says, a little flustered. "Come on! Pout, scowl, grimace! Show us you still got spirit."  
  
Kageyama looks down on his lap.  
  
"You can do better than that, _king,_ " Kunimi says flatly, and Iwaizumi whispers an angry "Oi!" by the sidelines.  
  
Hearing them call him _king,_ not in the same tone of ridicule as before, but as a lighthearted way of reconnecting, didn't sound so bad anymore. Kageyama smiles at them. Kindaichi's hair became wilder. Kunimi's hair became shorter. They both changed, all three of them changed, but Kageyama still considered them to be his friends.  
  
"Before I die," Kageyama whispers, a small smile on his lips, "can we be friends?"  
  
The two looked at him alarmed.  
  
"I know it's hard," the setter looks down on his lap, "but I want all three of us to be okay. What I did in middle school is something I still regret. I know I've done something that can't be easily forgiven. I've ruined everything, and I just―I don't―I don't know exactly what I can do for you two to forgive me, but―I've―always wanted to be your friend, Kunimi, Kindaich―"  
  
"―cut it out already!" Kindaichi yells, teary eyed. "Enough of that bullshit already!"  
  
Kageyama looks up from his lap, caught off guard.  
  
"That was a middle school story! It was a long time ago! You think we'd still mope about that while we stand here and watch you die?!"  
  
"I―"  
  
"Kageyama," Kunimi interjects quietly, his nose reddening. "We _are_ friends," he says before sniffing quietly.  
  
Kageyama nods, absentmindedly, letting the tears trickle down his cheeks.  
  
"You've changed," Kindaichi buried his wet face behind an arm. "That's enough reason to forgive you."  
  
"Let's not say anything else anymore," Kunimi supplies, not bothering to wipe the small tears running down his cheeks. "Please, Kindaichi. Kageyama."  
  
"O-Okay," Kageyama laughs a little, rubbing at his eyes with his sleeves, before opening his arms wide, "I don't like seeing you guys cry. C-Can we hug? All three of us?"  
  
The three locked arms around each other and cried until their ribs ached. Kageyama's heart was throbbing, but he was sure it was because he was so happy. He was happy he was forgiven. He was happy to feel their fists on his hospital gown, their hot tears on his shoulders, their childlike sobs against his skin. He was happy to have Kunimi and Kindaichi here. He was happy.  
  
Iwaizumi was smiling, wiping at the small tears at the corner of his eyes. How they've grown.

 

 

 

 

 

Kageyama couldn't feel his mother's hand anymore. His head was getting heavier.  
  
Everything was just too cold and too gray, and he felt sad. The sunlight long disappeared from the room, and his surroundings was just a monochromatic mess. Nothing was beautiful to him anymore. The beeping slows down, and he could feel his life slip away quickly.  
  
He closes his eyes, and somewhere, someday, he would be flying.  
  
In his dreams, he would be falling endlessly from the blinding blue skies, and there would be no more gray, just blue and blinding yellow. He could smell the greenery of grass below him, but Kageyama would continue to fall and fall. Yet he would be laughing, crying, smiling, because in his dreams there was no heart disease, there were no heartaches, there was no death.  
  
Hinata would appear magically beside him, a beautiful creature with glossy black wings, and he would be smiling wide as they fell. His dimples were situated right where he last remembered them, at the corner of his lips, on his big red cheeks, and they would fly together. Their hands clasp and they would never let go.  
  
Hinata would shout something as they cascade, and tears would stream from his eyes as they press their noses together.  
  
Kageyama was sure it was real, because he almost heard Hinata's voice, whispering, "I love you, Kageyama."  
  
He would try to answer, but nothing would come out from his mouth.  
  
Nevertheless, Hinata smiled. He did it again. He blazed like the sun, light shining from his hair, his face, and his smile and Kageyama would rather be blind, just as long as he could stare at his face some more.  
  
Hinata already knew the answer.  
  
He opened his eyes in reality, and the smell of antiseptics returned. The grass disappeared, together with the sky and the sun, and when he opens them a little, everything was gray and ugly again.  
  
He thought of Hinata.  
  
Hinata, who was the only thing that mattered when Kageyama's life was in shambles.  
  
He thought of how he would live through life without him around. He thought of him with someone else, holding their hand the same way he did. He thought of him smiling, glowing radiantly, and melting the shadows, his memories, away. He thought of him growing older, thought of him forgetting what they had. Would Hinata stop thinking about the boy with raven colored hair? Would someone bother to leave flowers on his weather-beaten grave, and sit around for a chat on December 22? Would anyone try to remember him at all?  
  
 _I don't know._  
  
Kageyama blinked and a single tear fell. He sighed out his last breath against his oxygen mask, and thought of only one person.  
  
  
  
"Shouyo."

 

 

 

 

 

Kageyama Tobio passed away at 4:36 in the afternoon.  
  
  
  
Kageyama Hitori held his hand until 4:40, before calling the attention of the doctor.

 

"He looked so, so sad."

 

 

 

 

 

His name became taboo in the volleyball club. He became something along the lines of a legend, a story meant to be passed on, nothing else.  
  
Kageyama Tobio, the king of the upper court.  
  
The genius setter of Karasuno High's volleyball club.  
  
No one really remembers how he looks like.  
  
  
  
No one mentions about him, especially not around Hinata Shouyo.  
  
He had the same sunny hair, sunny eyes, sunny smile, and he never spoke a word about a raven haired setter in his former high school.  
  
Sometimes, he would follow him to the coffee shop, and see the old team come together for coffee and cake. Then, some of them would try to bring up the topic, but Hinata dodges the question all the time.  
  
"Let's not talk about _that_ , alright?"

 

And he would move away from the glass window of the coffee shop, and walk back to the crowded green meadow where he was now used to.

To people, he would only be remembered as the genius Kageyama Tobio, the prodigy setter that dominated volleyball courts years and years ago. He wanted to be remembered as someone ordinary.  
  
The _that_ that danced out of Hinata's lips made Kageyama cry a little.  
  
He was just _that_ , something amazing that happened in the past. Something now gone. A memory. Nothing else.  
  
But to him, Hinata was the whole world.

He would drift amongst the living for hours, days, weeks, sometimes even months, wondering how it was like to live again.

 

As he walked, as he floated, he realized how far he was. When he would feel lonelier than usual, he would go back home.

There were so many graves that he would have a hard time trying to find his. But he would spot it eventually, rooted underneath the shade of a sakura tree. Every time he stood in front of it, it would feel strange to him. Just remembering the fact that his body was asleep underneath all that earth and grass was enough to unnerve him a little. And then he would feel sad, because he would never grow up.  
  
He would cry some more, and rub at his eyes like a child, wondering why he was surprised, why he was hurt. He was ready for this. He was waiting for this. He was used to this.  
  
It was then he only realized that there was a bouquet on his grave. Chicories, he presumed, because Hinata spoke of them once.  
  
There was a letter within the flowers, and he squatted on the cold grass. Not that it bothered him.  
  
It was a letter in black ink, and it smelled like salt, like tears. Kageyama knew him too well to know that it was his _other_ kind of handwriting, the kind of which he writes almost desperately.

 

 

 

 

 

> Hi, Kageyama. Hinata here. I'm writing to you again.
> 
> Sorry, it's been a while, I know. I've been so busy with school, you wouldn't believe me even if I came over there and told you. College is tough. It sucks, but it's fun, because all you do is cook, set things on fire and dice stuff all day. I hang out with the senpais and Kenma all the time. We go city hopping, road trips, karaoke and visit shrines during festivals, and I'm really good. As usual, I'm happy and thankful for everything. Everyone supported me. To be honest, I've grown quite accustomed to life here in Tokyo. It's different from Miyagi, and while I'm still struggling, I know I'll make it. Because I know you believe in me.
> 
> Oh god. Here I go again. I... don't know what to write anymore.
> 
> Do you know that feeling? When you look at the person you love face to face (well, in our case, _we can't_ , because, well, you know), and you have so much you want to tell them, but you run out of words to say? That's the kind of feeling I get whenever I write a letter for you, Kageyama. You're all I ever write to. I sprawl and sometimes the things I write don't even make sense. I don't want to stop, even if I can't write anything anymore. There's still so much I have to tell you, but I forget them every time I hold a pen. My tears end up messing with the ink, and then I would feel sad and lonely, because I'm not sure if there's still something you forgot to tell me as well. I wish ghosts could write back to the living. I would like to talk to you again.
> 
> I did say that I was happy. I did, didn't I? I haven't been completely honest in all my previous letters to you.
> 
> The truth is, I'm not entirely happy. I'm not happy because you're not here with me. It's simple, and I'm sure you knew that. I hope you know how serious I am. Every Valentine's Day, every White Day, every Christmas, I would feel lonely and angry and jealous because everyone's just so happy and I'm not. You might think I'm insane or even selfish to wish you were with me right now, despite everything you went through, but it's true. Your heart disease was something that never crossed my mind, and if only I noticed earlier, then maybe I could've saved you, too. Every heartbeat of mine is a painful reminder of how healthy I am. My heart isn't whole. It's struggling to survive on its own.
> 
> Remember how we played volleyball together? Back in high school? I still remember how I declared you as my rival. It's crazy how my rival became my boyfriend, my first love. We were perfectly in sync no wonder we ended up together. I also remember the fights we had, particularly that one after our training camp in Tokyo. We sure punched the hell out of each other, huh? I went home bleeding, and I cried, because I wanted you to apologize to me. You were a big dick back then, but I couldn't resist talking to you after our first successful new quick strike. I don't understand why we didn't apologize immediately after that, but seeing you still eager to talk to me after everything that happened, well, I thought it was pretty cute.
> 
> You're really strange, Kageyama.
> 
> It's always too hot in my apartment room. I'm all alone. I never wanted a roommate, and I wish you were there to make me feel a little colder. I missed your skin against mine. You were always damp and cold, and it felt nice whenever you touched me, because I shiver and I would feel a little excited. I missed touching you. You were my perfect match it was amazing. My fingers fit the spaces in between yours perfectly. Your hair always felt nice, and your skin was always well toned and slick, and I loved burying my face in your chest. Back then, your heart would still be beating rhythmically, and I always fell asleep to the sound of it. It's like a lullaby to me, and I still memorize the sound of it.
> 
> Do you still remember me as much as I remember so much about you? I still remember how dark your hair is. How long your bangs were and how clean and neat your hair was all the time. Every time I see someone with the same shade as yours, I would stop on instinct, and I would start to call out your name, but I would stop because I would realize that it could never be you. I still remember your eyes and how kind, passionate and beautiful they are, and sometimes I feel like crying because I would feel them stare at me down, but then the feeling would disappear, even if I don't want it to. I still remember your lips, and you always looked handsome whenever you smiled, whenever you held a volleyball, whenever you tossed to me, whenever I was with you. They were so soft against my skin, my cheeks, my lips. How I wish your kisses were permanent. I want you to keep on looking at me, keep on kissing me.
> 
> It's strange, isn't it? How I always tell everyone not to mention anything about you whenever we meet up and talk, yet I speak of you in such an endearing manner? You probably hate me right now. In fact, you probably discarded this letter by now. You might think I'm evil, but Kageyama, I don't think ill of you. I miss you so much. I don't want them to see me cry, because I don't want to look pathetic. I would rather have you see me cry. I can't stop thinking about you, and it hurts. It hurts so bad. I want you here beside me, even if that's clearly impossible right now.
> 
> Is it so bad to wish for impossible things? My mom thinks I've gone insane, and Natsu thinks I'm tiring myself out. Everyone says I should just get over it already, but I can't. I _can't_ get over someone like you, Kageyama. You're the most amazing thing that happened to me. I tinker with your items sometimes and just bawl. I cry and reminisce and write and wish and think and hope and regret all the time, but it's not tiring. You're not tiring, Kageyama. I don't want another boyfriend, and I most certainly do not want to have a girlfriend. No one will fill the void you left inside me other than you yourself. Besides, we never broke up. And before you start thinking of yourself as a burden, you're not. You're still tied to me and I will never let you go.
> 
> Yet, I'm still so sad. Kageyama, I miss you so much. I feel so weak without you. Everything feels pointless now. They say I don't shine as brightly as I used to anymore. I try my best to be cheerful around everyone, for you, but I just feel like I'm having fun without you around, and I would feel cold and my heart would hurt, because it always reminds me that you're dead and you're not going to come back to me. Sometimes, when I think of you, I would find my hand on my chest, and I would feel my own heartbeat. Then I would remember how you had a hard time breathing, living, and it sucks, because I was alive and well when you were hurting and dying. I dream about you often. Most of the time, it's just you on the court, holding a volleyball, and you would wear a genuine smile. Sometimes, I dream of you smiling while you were asleep on the hospital bed. In both dreams, you were alone. You always were. And in both dreams, I would always wake up crying. Goddamn it, Kageyama. I know too much about you, but I know there are some things I don't know. I haven't deciphered you entirely yet. There's so much I want to know, so much I want to understand. Why you fell in love with me, why you took care of me. You were strange, yet you were so beautiful. Every night, I kept asking God why He chose to take away everything that was beautiful. It's not fair, isn't it?
> 
> Come talk to me sometime. I want to feel again.
> 
> Yours,
> 
> Hinata Shouyo

 

 

 


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